Gadis by Kerepek Pedas

 Assalamualaikum, Semenjak dah masuk umur tiga-siri ni, aku rasa aku sangat-sangat malas nak berteka-teki dengan orang. Maksud aku, if I need something, I will definitely tell out-rightly. Tak ada masa nak bagi hint ke apa. I'm an open book. Everything is laid out for you. This week (third week August 2025) has been weird for me. Like, what the fuck? Got sick. Reached out. Cried for help. Literally. Then I crashed out. Cried alone in my car thinking "why?" I held out my hand for you to take it because I was drowning. But you didn't reached out. You let me be drown in my own tears. I suffocated. My mind, is a really, really, really dark and cold place. Shit hurts so bad I cannot think of anything. Tengok video baby dekat TT pun nangis camgampang. Argh I'm so stressed out. I hate this version of me. Why eh. Why do I give people so much power over me ?!!? My cortisol level is off the roof, I need to chill. Maybe I will disappear for a while. It'll be easier to pi...

 Assalamualaikum, A few days back, while scrolling socmed (I don't remember which one tho lol), I found this one quote that really struck me and it hits home like wtf this hurts so bad. Also, afterwards while clearing my mail/drive, I found a lot of photos/videos that I didn't even remember taking. "Trauma did not make you stronger, it gave you memory loss" That sentence, let me tell you. It was like a slap of reality to me. I was thinking, "no wonder sometimes I don't remember what had happened in the past. I don't remember ever doing that thing or going to that places" I was like, well shit. The old mails, photos and videos didn't help too. I was like "huh??" all the time because I genuinely cannot remember at all. And all over again, I'm experiencing anger, sadness and confusion all at the same time. I'm angry that my mind decided to wipe off those memories from me. I am sad that I know I must have been happy at that moment t...

Assalamualaikum, Well, I stopped writing for so long because I have a son now. I remember telling FAI that we needed to plan our lives i.e. not having kids too early. Since I'm very much aware of our emotional/financial conditions even before going into the marriage. My paycheck can only help so much for the wedding. I didn't have any savings because I agreed to pay half for whatever it is we're going to be having, e.g. the bed. I knew we weren't properly ready to have a kid so early. So I repeatedly told FAI to plan. We need to plan. He didn't have job before the marriage so obviously all the money he has can only support him and me (and his grandmother). That's why I was so adamant on planning. But. But his family didn't agree. And I was mad. I was. Because it's our life. FAI being FAI, NEVER listened to me, went and say it's okay, we don't need to plan. It's going to be Okay. Heh. As if. In hindsight, I feel like this pregnancy, thi...

Assalamualaikum, To be honest, I was not at all excited for the anniversary. It sounds so cold but it's the truth. I was too tired emotionally and physically to even feel excited. I actually forgot about it until I woke up receiving text from FAI. Throughout this one year, I've felt defeated, dejected, rejected and betrayed again, and again, and again. It was like I was purposely being tortured mentally. By him, by my surroundings, by every little thing. Berulang-ulang kali aku cuba untuk melepaskan, melupakan. Tapi berulang-ulang kali juga hati terasa seperti dicarik-carik. Sampai satu tahap, I feel like I don't want to live this life. I knew marriage wasn't easy. Nothing in life is. But I had hopes. I wanted to be happy. I mean happier than before. I admit, I got into this marriage with lots of emotional baggage. That's my fault. I admit. All through the year, we fought and fought and fought and fought and fought countless of time. You wouldn't belie...