Breadcrumbing

 Assalamualaikum,

Wah, this issue is like the bane of my existence la sia. Shit

Why do I attract this kind of behavior in people? Is it my fault. Hahhhh (screaming politely) Maybe I should really start to realize that I should love myself first before anyone else.

I'm trying so hard to love myself. But shit is hard sometimes T_T I try so hard to be better, to like myself more. But sometimes I feel like why do I keep up this weird "identity" that at the end of the day I can feel deep inside that it's not really me. Why do I keep this facade while inside I'm dealing with tremendous turmoil that is eating me alive.

Hence, I let people do whatever it is to me. Like breadcrumbing, and eating that shit like I'm desperate for people's approval. Yeah, yeah. I know I don't need nobody's approval for me to live. But somehow, I crave it. Especially from people that has special place in my heart.

Like, I want to be praised so bad by them. But when they do, I get awkward. WTF is that?

And when they stop giving me the attention that I desperately craving for, then I became like this. Miserable little ball in the corner. Overthinking my words, my actions. Then fell into a little deeper of miserableness and began to question my worth, my existence.

Writing these all up really make me rethink my life, eh. Like, I KNOW. I should stop. I want to stop. There should be no buts. Really. NO. BUTS.

I should start focusing on myself. Like, I just realize that my face serum is out already. Benda kau pakai hari-hari pun kau tak sedar. Wake up, Hani. Stop daydreaming. Live. Your. Life.

I will stop letting those breadcrumbers have an effect on me. Enough la. I can be on my own. There's so much more other things I can do to make myself happy. I don't need their approval. I don't need their attention. I don't need them.

I should start breathing my own breath. Talking my own words. Laugh at my own jokes? HA!