I'm back, I hope (?)

Assalamualaikum,

Well, I stopped writing for so long because I have a son now.

I remember telling FAI that we needed to plan our lives i.e. not having kids too early. Since I'm very much aware of our emotional/financial conditions even before going into the marriage. My paycheck can only help so much for the wedding. I didn't have any savings because I agreed to pay half for whatever it is we're going to be having, e.g. the bed. I knew we weren't properly ready to have a kid so early. So I repeatedly told FAI to plan. We need to plan. He didn't have job before the marriage so obviously all the money he has can only support him and me (and his grandmother). That's why I was so adamant on planning.

But. But his family didn't agree. And I was mad. I was. Because it's our life.

FAI being FAI, NEVER listened to me, went and say it's okay, we don't need to plan. It's going to be Okay. Heh. As if.

In hindsight, I feel like this pregnancy, this little boy is not mine. I'm sorry. Why is it every time I write new post about my current life I feel like crying? I feel like I am not me. I feel so tired. Okay back at this story.

So, a month into the marriage, I was feeling drained. Because my lifestyle has changed. Every day there's always something new to do. Water the plants. This. That. Morning jog. Morning market. All. Of. It. Was. Tiring. Because I was not accustomed to it, obviously.

For a while, I believed that that was the reason. I was exhausted all the time. It didn't occurred to me that I was pregnant because I don't feel pregnant. I feel normal, just exhausted. Then, he suggested that I do the pregnancy test. It was obviously, positive. I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was flabbergasted and all of that in many words.

To be honest, I was, rejecting this pregnancy (at first). I felt like I was not ready. It feels surreal. My morning sickness was terrible for me. Couldn't eat, couldn't drink. All I can do was sleep. And that makes FAI annoyed, I guess. (In hindsight, I think he secretly hated me and my pregnant self)

Anyway, I'm writing this not because I think he (my son) is a burden to me. Just wanted to write everything down. For myself, mostly.

The whole pregnancy was just okay for me. I didn't feel that "magical" feelings everyone was talking. I didn't feel like I bonded with him especially early in the pregnancy. I don't feel special in any way, except for when sometimes when we go out (me, FAI and my SIL) and that both of them would hold my hands, one each side, setiap kali turun kereta, atau naik tangga, atau turun tangga, atau things like that, and especially when it is raining.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, I got more and more stressed out, more irritated, easily got angry or upset and was a big time crier, even bigger than myself before I got pregnant. Maybe it was me, or it was my hormone or whatever but I also hated myself at that point of time. I distanced myself from people, especially my friends. I would usually go days if not weeks of not returning calls and texts. If I was not staying with my parents, I would also go MIA on my family.

Entahlah. I feel drained all the time. Emotionally, physically and mentally. All I want to do is disappear. That's all. I guess I feel like no one will understand me. No one cared enough for me to dump out everything in my heart and head. Or, I felt that way because I believed that I am not enough. I was not a good friend, so why should I depend on my friends? I was not a good sister, so why would my siblings listen to my problems? I was not a good daughter, so why, tell me why should my mom care for me?

I believed that I chose this path, so I must walk on it, basically alone.

This is draining me so I think I'll write more later. Hopefully.