Trauma Didn't Made Me Stronger,

Oleh

 Assalamualaikum,


A few days back, while scrolling socmed (I don't remember which one tho lol), I found this one quote that really struck me and it hits home like wtf this hurts so bad. Also, afterwards while clearing my mail/drive, I found a lot of photos/videos that I didn't even remember taking.


"Trauma did not make you stronger, it gave you memory loss"


That sentence, let me tell you. It was like a slap of reality to me. I was thinking, "no wonder sometimes I don't remember what had happened in the past. I don't remember ever doing that thing or going to that places" I was like, well shit. The old mails, photos and videos didn't help too. I was like "huh??" all the time because I genuinely cannot remember at all.


And all over again, I'm experiencing anger, sadness and confusion all at the same time. I'm angry that my mind decided to wipe off those memories from me. I am sad that I know I must have been happy at that moment that I decided to take pictures, but now I cannot remember shit. And I'm confused, what was about that memory that was so devastatingly crippling sad that my coping mechanism decided that "nope, not this one, discarded"


Like, shit. Why. How. Fuck


 Again, I hate how all those things traumatized me so bad that I've became someone I don't recognize. I hate that how my current self cannot accept that I was who I was before. I hate that I cannot go back to become that person again. I hate how currently, I have so many issues and emotional baggage that I keep on crashing out whenever I am not occupied by, really anything.


What is this fucked-up life.


So no, I'm definitely not strong. Trauma did not made me stronger, it changed me to become someone I cannot recognized. Someone I desperately trying to love, every day.

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