Happy (?) First Anniversary
Assalamualaikum,
To be honest, I was not at all excited for the anniversary. It sounds so cold but it's the truth. I was too tired emotionally and physically to even feel excited. I actually forgot about it until I woke up receiving text from FAI.
Throughout this one year, I've felt defeated, dejected, rejected and betrayed again, and again, and again. It was like I was purposely being tortured mentally. By him, by my surroundings, by every little thing.
Berulang-ulang kali aku cuba untuk melepaskan, melupakan. Tapi berulang-ulang kali juga hati terasa seperti dicarik-carik. Sampai satu tahap, I feel like I don't want to live this life.
I knew marriage wasn't easy. Nothing in life is. But I had hopes. I wanted to be happy. I mean happier than before. I admit, I got into this marriage with lots of emotional baggage. That's my fault. I admit.
All through the year, we fought and fought and fought and fought and fought countless of time. You wouldn't believe it if I say we were only "happy" without fighting for I think the first month. It was hard. Because I hate fighting. It drains me. So. Much.
Every time the question "aren't you happy being married?" popped up, I can't answer without thinking hard, what's happiness meant for us.
Makan cukup, pakai cukup. What more could I want, kan?
I don't know. I don't know why it's not that simple. I don't know why it's not that tangible.
I guess it was because of the LDR thing. But it's not that simple. Because every time we would be together for more than three days, we would fight. So, why?
I keep asking myself, why? Kenapa aku biarkan diri aku terbelenggu dalam hidup macam ni? Kenapa aku kena hadap dan terima keburukan pihak sana, sedangkan pihak sana tak nak terima keburukan aku? I'm not perfect, AND SO DO YOU. So why?
Kenapa setiap kali, mesti akan keluar statement "dia/saya dibesarkan begitu begini" "dia/saya memang daripada dulu begitu begini" THEN WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT I AM WHO I AM, LIKE I AM?
To be honest, I wanted divorce since a long time ago. I know. I'm a quitter. I am. I am too tired of people expecting things from me. I'm tired of people disregarding MY FEELINGS. I tiptoed around you, but you just stomp on me. But I kept quiet. I keep on having hopes. I myself keep telling me that life will be better. Don't stop now. And I kept going.
Obviously things were not so simple memandangkan aku considering divorce. But, that's another story. I swear, it was not as simple as "your snoring is annoying" nope. It was not technical. And then came the question, "suami sis abusive ke?" (someone asked me this a few weeks ago). Alhamdulillah he was not abusive.
We keep on fighting about the same thing. And every time, I'd get more and more enraged towards him. I'd get more and more upset about it. I'd get more and more stressed out because of it that one day, out of nowhere, I got "seizure-like" attack. And that was the time I was diagnosed with anxiety.
You don't know how that felt. You don't know what's happening in my head at that time. You don't know how I wished again, and again, and again, and again, and yet again that God just take my life away. You don't know how I wanted to die precisely at that moment.
Writing this, revisiting the past, hurts. Very much.
I'm sorry, I couldn't continue. I cannot do this to me. Long story short, the anniversary came. And for the whole year, I wanted to say SO MANY THINGS but I couldn't. I had to eat my own pain. Alone. I'd get conflicted every time I want to tell someone. I had to keep it all.
The worst of it all is, whenever I get so torn up, YOU would say/do something as if I was the one who hurt me. As if I wanted to feel all of these. As if I chose to be hurt. No, I don't. YOU did. They were absolutely and obviously YOUR OWN CHOICE, to hurt me, the way you did. I hope you sleep well at night knowing you did this to me.
To be honest, NO. It was not a happy year for me. so NO. It's not Happy Anniversary... It's like how I worded them exactly in ig. Selamat Ulangtahun Pertama. Because I endured this whole year "safely". i.e no attempt of suicide (only thinking about it).
Selamat Ulangtahun Perkahwinan, my husband. I know it's different for you, because I believe we lived two different marriage :) Hopefully, the second (and afterward) year will be better. Hopefully. To more years, and much more places with you.
p/s: I'm getting better. Although haven't seek professional help for my condition, but I'm okay. Someone, totally stranger, a third party, is helping me cope. Anyway if you stumbled across this, thank you for listening. But I feel guilty for only talk to you whenever I needed a third party ear :')
To be honest, I was not at all excited for the anniversary. It sounds so cold but it's the truth. I was too tired emotionally and physically to even feel excited. I actually forgot about it until I woke up receiving text from FAI.
Throughout this one year, I've felt defeated, dejected, rejected and betrayed again, and again, and again. It was like I was purposely being tortured mentally. By him, by my surroundings, by every little thing.
Berulang-ulang kali aku cuba untuk melepaskan, melupakan. Tapi berulang-ulang kali juga hati terasa seperti dicarik-carik. Sampai satu tahap, I feel like I don't want to live this life.
I knew marriage wasn't easy. Nothing in life is. But I had hopes. I wanted to be happy. I mean happier than before. I admit, I got into this marriage with lots of emotional baggage. That's my fault. I admit.
All through the year, we fought and fought and fought and fought and fought countless of time. You wouldn't believe it if I say we were only "happy" without fighting for I think the first month. It was hard. Because I hate fighting. It drains me. So. Much.
Every time the question "aren't you happy being married?" popped up, I can't answer without thinking hard, what's happiness meant for us.
Makan cukup, pakai cukup. What more could I want, kan?
I don't know. I don't know why it's not that simple. I don't know why it's not that tangible.
I guess it was because of the LDR thing. But it's not that simple. Because every time we would be together for more than three days, we would fight. So, why?
I keep asking myself, why? Kenapa aku biarkan diri aku terbelenggu dalam hidup macam ni? Kenapa aku kena hadap dan terima keburukan pihak sana, sedangkan pihak sana tak nak terima keburukan aku? I'm not perfect, AND SO DO YOU. So why?
Kenapa setiap kali, mesti akan keluar statement "dia/saya dibesarkan begitu begini" "dia/saya memang daripada dulu begitu begini" THEN WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT I AM WHO I AM, LIKE I AM?
To be honest, I wanted divorce since a long time ago. I know. I'm a quitter. I am. I am too tired of people expecting things from me. I'm tired of people disregarding MY FEELINGS. I tiptoed around you, but you just stomp on me. But I kept quiet. I keep on having hopes. I myself keep telling me that life will be better. Don't stop now. And I kept going.
Obviously things were not so simple memandangkan aku considering divorce. But, that's another story. I swear, it was not as simple as "your snoring is annoying" nope. It was not technical. And then came the question, "suami sis abusive ke?" (someone asked me this a few weeks ago). Alhamdulillah he was not abusive.
We keep on fighting about the same thing. And every time, I'd get more and more enraged towards him. I'd get more and more upset about it. I'd get more and more stressed out because of it that one day, out of nowhere, I got "seizure-like" attack. And that was the time I was diagnosed with anxiety.
You don't know how that felt. You don't know what's happening in my head at that time. You don't know how I wished again, and again, and again, and again, and yet again that God just take my life away. You don't know how I wanted to die precisely at that moment.
Writing this, revisiting the past, hurts. Very much.
I'm sorry, I couldn't continue. I cannot do this to me. Long story short, the anniversary came. And for the whole year, I wanted to say SO MANY THINGS but I couldn't. I had to eat my own pain. Alone. I'd get conflicted every time I want to tell someone. I had to keep it all.
The worst of it all is, whenever I get so torn up, YOU would say/do something as if I was the one who hurt me. As if I wanted to feel all of these. As if I chose to be hurt. No, I don't. YOU did. They were absolutely and obviously YOUR OWN CHOICE, to hurt me, the way you did. I hope you sleep well at night knowing you did this to me.
To be honest, NO. It was not a happy year for me. so NO. It's not Happy Anniversary... It's like how I worded them exactly in ig. Selamat Ulangtahun Pertama. Because I endured this whole year "safely". i.e no attempt of suicide (only thinking about it).
Selamat Ulangtahun Perkahwinan, my husband. I know it's different for you, because I believe we lived two different marriage :) Hopefully, the second (and afterward) year will be better. Hopefully. To more years, and much more places with you.
p/s: I'm getting better. Although haven't seek professional help for my condition, but I'm okay. Someone, totally stranger, a third party, is helping me cope. Anyway if you stumbled across this, thank you for listening. But I feel guilty for only talk to you whenever I needed a third party ear :')
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