I Became Toxic
Assalamualaikum,
So for a few weeks, maybe it has been two months, I have been nothing but toxic to people around me. And I kept questioning their actions. When in reality, I should've realised that I was wrong, and all I need to do is ask for forgiveness and mend my wrongdoings.
But I was egoistic.
I thought I am entitled to things because I endured pain. I thought I am entitled to feelings because I endured brutality that my past gave me. I thought, everything that I did was for my own sake, my own happiness; and doing that has done nothing but gave me more pain, and I, inflicted pain to people too.
I think I knew I was being toxic, but I denied it. But last week, when my sister finally talked to me, I felt like I was given a wake-up call. When I confided my feelings to Yaa, I admitted to her that I was being toxic. And especially yesterday.
Yesterday, when FAI finally exploded and he was beyond angry, that's when I finally accepted everything. I accepted that I was being egoistic. I accepted that I was being irrational. I accepted that I was being toxic.
It was not because I was afraid of him, not because I was scared of losing him.
I accepted everything because I have fallen to my deepest pit, my lowest point. I even considered disappearing/suicide for a moment. But then I had this realisation that running away would not solve the problem.
I read manga to escape. I watched Matthew Hussey to escape. I went to media social to escape. But in escaping, I found things that are so glaringly matched with my situation.
I learned that I need to face my fear, my problems, my emotions with my eyes wide open, and I need to face them, rather than running away. I then realised that living is the only way for me to solve my problems; with my sister, with Yaa, with FAI, and especially with my own self.
So here I am, I wake up today with a determination to change. With a determination to solve everything; regardless what the outcome might be. With the determination to mend my wrongdoings.
I know exactly how to not to be toxic, and I especially vowed; more than six months ago that I will not ever becoming the monster I despises so much. I know I slowly becoming that, but now that I accepted my fault, I will try to cast away the monsters, the evil within. I accepted my problems, I accepted my faults, and I accepted that I was hurt by none other but my own self.
I can only promise to myself to be better.
So for a few weeks, maybe it has been two months, I have been nothing but toxic to people around me. And I kept questioning their actions. When in reality, I should've realised that I was wrong, and all I need to do is ask for forgiveness and mend my wrongdoings.
But I was egoistic.
I thought I am entitled to things because I endured pain. I thought I am entitled to feelings because I endured brutality that my past gave me. I thought, everything that I did was for my own sake, my own happiness; and doing that has done nothing but gave me more pain, and I, inflicted pain to people too.
I think I knew I was being toxic, but I denied it. But last week, when my sister finally talked to me, I felt like I was given a wake-up call. When I confided my feelings to Yaa, I admitted to her that I was being toxic. And especially yesterday.
Yesterday, when FAI finally exploded and he was beyond angry, that's when I finally accepted everything. I accepted that I was being egoistic. I accepted that I was being irrational. I accepted that I was being toxic.
It was not because I was afraid of him, not because I was scared of losing him.
I accepted everything because I have fallen to my deepest pit, my lowest point. I even considered disappearing/suicide for a moment. But then I had this realisation that running away would not solve the problem.
I read manga to escape. I watched Matthew Hussey to escape. I went to media social to escape. But in escaping, I found things that are so glaringly matched with my situation.
I learned that I need to face my fear, my problems, my emotions with my eyes wide open, and I need to face them, rather than running away. I then realised that living is the only way for me to solve my problems; with my sister, with Yaa, with FAI, and especially with my own self.
So here I am, I wake up today with a determination to change. With a determination to solve everything; regardless what the outcome might be. With the determination to mend my wrongdoings.
I know exactly how to not to be toxic, and I especially vowed; more than six months ago that I will not ever becoming the monster I despises so much. I know I slowly becoming that, but now that I accepted my fault, I will try to cast away the monsters, the evil within. I accepted my problems, I accepted my faults, and I accepted that I was hurt by none other but my own self.
I can only promise to myself to be better.
Ulasan
Catat Ulasan