Terlalu Terluka; Terlalu Melukakan.
Assalamualaikum,
Aku pun tak tahu kenapa aku buat keputusan untuk clean-up semua email aku harini; mungkin sebab aku dah tak ada kerja sangat, jadinya aku dah berjaya delete more than 700 emails, from 2014 up to 2018. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA nampak lah aku jenis malas nak buang email tak penting. Banyak newsletter je daripada websites, memberships, etc.
Tapi bila aku sampai kepada email-email personal; mostly what I emailed myself back then, well, I do have this habit of sending myself emails that contained memories, or moments that I want to remember at that material time; aku jadi mellow and melancholic.
Few years back, I was someone else. I was living like I don't see I can be happy at all, I was masking all of my sadness, my broken-ness alone. I showed the world my brightest, biggest smile, but somehow I remembered how I was never genuinely happy.
Until I met him. He challenged my self-conscious. He challenged my stand on the world. He challenged whatever view I had over myself.
He was building me; or so I thought.
We started off great; too great if I may say. I doted on him, and he doted on me, like overly attached kinda thing. I knew life weren't gonna be great, so I was careful, but in hindsight though, maybe I was not too careful. LOL
Our first year was like a dream, it went so fast and believe it or not, I started to think, okay yes I want to marry this guy, I think he can take care of me, and I absolutely think that he is that one person who I cannot be without; he was like my air, in which I would desperately gasped on every now and then.
But then it started becoming toxic. We started to change, in a bad way. I would stop listening to my own voice, and started speaking through his mouth. I let him bent me so hard that I didn't realized I almost broke.
But to be fair, though, I think I went overboard too. I pushed him too far I guess.
I don't know.
He is still a good person, in the end. Because he has shaped me to become who I am now. If I had never met him, maybe I wouldn't have standards now, and someone else will definitely break me sooner or later. If I had never felt that good and warm fuzzy feelings he gave me before, I wouldn't know how to embrace it the next time I feel that feelings again. If he hadn't break me like he did, I might never be able to muster my courage to do the scary things I did when he left.
He is a good person, but he was not meant to be with me, he was not made for me. God knows His Plans, and He knows what's best for me. So here I am, once again, thanking him for breaking me so bad that the only thing to do now is to pick up the pieces; and stop despising my own self in that process.
Not that I haven't moved on, I just need to say this so I can let go of my sadness.
But I will never forgive him for crushing my hope, for deleting my past and now all I have is bits and pieces of what I remember; which is not that much.
RIP baby blog, I had you for eight years, then some A-hole came and delete you as if you were not important, as if MY PAST is his to dictate. And this new blog is not to replace you, but to rekindle everything I felt before when I write my heart out. Yes, he deleted my blog without me knowing, I know, what a fool for me to trust him and gave away my password.
But now I've learned my lesson, never again will I trust another soul with my treasure.
Aku pun tak tahu kenapa aku buat keputusan untuk clean-up semua email aku harini; mungkin sebab aku dah tak ada kerja sangat, jadinya aku dah berjaya delete more than 700 emails, from 2014 up to 2018. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA nampak lah aku jenis malas nak buang email tak penting. Banyak newsletter je daripada websites, memberships, etc.
Tapi bila aku sampai kepada email-email personal; mostly what I emailed myself back then, well, I do have this habit of sending myself emails that contained memories, or moments that I want to remember at that material time; aku jadi mellow and melancholic.
Few years back, I was someone else. I was living like I don't see I can be happy at all, I was masking all of my sadness, my broken-ness alone. I showed the world my brightest, biggest smile, but somehow I remembered how I was never genuinely happy.
Until I met him. He challenged my self-conscious. He challenged my stand on the world. He challenged whatever view I had over myself.
He was building me; or so I thought.
We started off great; too great if I may say. I doted on him, and he doted on me, like overly attached kinda thing. I knew life weren't gonna be great, so I was careful, but in hindsight though, maybe I was not too careful. LOL
Our first year was like a dream, it went so fast and believe it or not, I started to think, okay yes I want to marry this guy, I think he can take care of me, and I absolutely think that he is that one person who I cannot be without; he was like my air, in which I would desperately gasped on every now and then.
But then it started becoming toxic. We started to change, in a bad way. I would stop listening to my own voice, and started speaking through his mouth. I let him bent me so hard that I didn't realized I almost broke.
But to be fair, though, I think I went overboard too. I pushed him too far I guess.
I don't know.
He is still a good person, in the end. Because he has shaped me to become who I am now. If I had never met him, maybe I wouldn't have standards now, and someone else will definitely break me sooner or later. If I had never felt that good and warm fuzzy feelings he gave me before, I wouldn't know how to embrace it the next time I feel that feelings again. If he hadn't break me like he did, I might never be able to muster my courage to do the scary things I did when he left.
He is a good person, but he was not meant to be with me, he was not made for me. God knows His Plans, and He knows what's best for me. So here I am, once again, thanking him for breaking me so bad that the only thing to do now is to pick up the pieces; and stop despising my own self in that process.
Not that I haven't moved on, I just need to say this so I can let go of my sadness.
But I will never forgive him for crushing my hope, for deleting my past and now all I have is bits and pieces of what I remember; which is not that much.
RIP baby blog, I had you for eight years, then some A-hole came and delete you as if you were not important, as if MY PAST is his to dictate. And this new blog is not to replace you, but to rekindle everything I felt before when I write my heart out. Yes, he deleted my blog without me knowing, I know, what a fool for me to trust him and gave away my password.
But now I've learned my lesson, never again will I trust another soul with my treasure.
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