M-H-M to F-A-I

Assalamualaikum.

I know it has only been what, six months? But as everyone keep telling me, LIFE KEEPS MOVING. I don't know whether I should just write these all out, but uhh, I just don't want to keep them anymore. So here it goes.

I don't ever want to play that victim card, but I just tell you what really happened. He (M-H-M) might have told you differently, but that version of story is not my concern. What I knew is that he told me that he's no longer wants me, that he no longer has "that feelings" for me. I can tell you that I begged like a fool; I begged for chances, when I know I shouldn't have to, I begged for time, when I know more time would only hurt me more, I begged for answers, when I know the real answer is he was never mine, I begged and really I just threw away all of my ego and my own self in that process.

And I really hate me for that, even until today.

I really liked him, and maybe I did loved him a lot. I gave my best shot, I tried everything I could, but he still wasn't mine. Maybe he wasn't mine at all to begin with. Maybe we were too clouded by the high of having someone with us; someone who would always be there, someone who would always comfort us, someone who would love us no matter how badly we behave in front of them.

So when he told me he wanted to end things, I was beyond devastated; although, in hindsight, I saw all the little clues he left for me. He would cancel on me, he would get angry for no reason, he STOPPED saying "I love you" just because it irks him, when it didn't before. He hurt me countless of time, but I must admit that I hurt him too much too. I tried mend things, I tried changing; to the point where I lost my own voice.

He wanted to end things via text; he even cursed me and sent me long ass text blaming me for things that happened in his mind. But, again, I didn't blamed him, I blamed myself, I get angry at myself, although now I realize that whatever I'd do before wouldn't mean a thing because he himself no longer wanted that relationship; maybe I was not making him a better person, maybe the relationship itself was a failure from the start, or maybe, just maybe, he wanted someone else.

Anyway, we end up ending things like the adults we claim ourselves to be; sit down and talk like civilized people. I told him I'd wait for him, that I would always want him to come back. I didn't cry in front of him, maybe because I knew it would be useless to cry; he wouldn't look back and so I let him go with a laugh. I gave him my biggest smile, although I know I was so broken that time. I told him, "thank you, for ending this thing nicely."

And as a human being that's functioning and have emotions, of course I'd cry. I cried all the way home. I cried all weeks, at the office, in the car, everywhere. All I wanted was answers.

My friend told me, "Hani lekje, stop contacting him for one week straight, if he searches for you, then maybe he actually still wants you after all, but if he didn't, Hani kena bersedia untuk terima kenyataan," and so I did, I stopped all kind of contact for ten days straight (I think so haha).

Yes, he didn't searched for me, and after ten days, I texted him and asked "Why can't you just give me one more chance? All I wanted to do is fix us, I want us, and I will be better." yeah I know I sound stupid because I already is too good for him, how on earth can I be better? Anyway, he told me that he cannot do it anymore because his feelings are all gone; and that he didn't want to "mempergunakan hani" (his exact words).

At that very moment, I literally just stopped crying and let everything go. I feel like vomiting with his blunt answer, as if those two years didn't mean a thing, as if everything we've done; sacrifices we've made, time we've spent together, every single thing, don't mean a thing. As if trying is not possible.

Yes, it took me ten days only to move on. I don't need someone who doesn't want to try, I don't need someone who always criticizes me in the name of "making you better" (bulls), I especially don't need someone who put me down and then being mad at me for having feelings, I don't need someone who claims to be an adult and treats me like a child, but condemns me when I don't behave like an adult around him, and I don't need someone who can throw everything away instead of fixing it.

Well, he did searched for me afterwards, I think three times, maybe. The last one was just before Raya, I went to see him, to see if I'd be affected by him, and I was not. I don't even feel a single thing, no more butterflies or any of that bulls when I saw him again. I know then, I am really over him. He can do whatever and I wouldn't care a bit, mati ka apa aku tak peduli sikit pun.

And so I get rid of him; delete semua gambar dia, gambar dengan dia, gambar dengan family dia, semua voice-notes dia, semua puisi-puisi untuk dia, apa juga kenangan yang ada dia, even my travelling plans, his number and everything. The only thing I cannot delete (back then) was my feelings for him and rasa terkilan yang tersangat amat.

I'd be honest, my self-esteem was below nil when he left. He has made it that I don't think I deserve anyone, I'm not gonna find someone better. I know he didn't say that at all, but he made me feel like that. And to make it worse, he has set the bar too high for other people to get through me. He was the best thing ever happened to me, he was the best partner I ever had, he was everything I'd ever wanted, but also, he was that one person I don't ever want to spend my life with; as he, even though he made me happy, but he also broke me.

Within the span of these six months (more or less), memang ada orang try untuk approach aku, tapi itulah, they didn't get to my standards. The first thing I look for is emotional support, benda lain penting juga, tapi for me; who is emotionally unstable, who needs attention all the time, I really need someone who can be emotionally supportive.

Then I met F-A-I.

He's very different than M-H-M, that I can tell. He wouldn't give me all of his attention, he would make me always wondering if I ever in his mind. He told me before that I should never fall in love with him, huh, that intrigued me so much. I was like, why? But anyways, I don't mind not falling because I know I'm not ready for love just yet. I'm not ready for a new relationship. I was not ready to commit. So yeah I told him,  I don't mind that at all. And I was so ready not to fall. All I ever wanted was emotional support though.

So we went for dinner, and it hits me that he is a great partner as we can talk about literally anything. So I was thinking, "eh, even if we don't make it to a romantic relationship, I would always like him, and he can be my best friend." He has this aura that makes me wanna share things with him, even if he would never be romantically involved with me.

But what he said and did for the next few days/weeks stunned me. I was literally dumbfounded. That very night, when I get home, well, I didn't really expected him to text me first, because I never thought that our meeting would change his stand and that it would change things. Aku ada satu pandangan di mana if a guy didn't text you first, especially after you went out with him, it means that you  don't leave any impact on him. So when he texted me first, I was like "huh, okay."

The weirdest thing he said that night was, "Yes, you are my baby. Better I focus on you, my baby. I like you." I was like huh? Oh yea, I like you too. Yes I took his words very lightly. I didn't think that he was serious when he said he likes me. But that weirdness don't just stop there.

Anyway, I like it when we talk, he would look straight to my eyes and that whenever something that he likes crosses our conversation, his smile would reach his eyes, I swear his eyes can smile too. And I like that he never pushes me to tell him about my past, or whatever it is that makes me sad. He would just comfort me and say, "It's going to be okay."

So fast forward few dates and a week (or so, I think) later, he said the most weirdest thing ever. "Be mine." I was like, huh? What do you mean by that? I was, again, dumbfounded. And he would follow that statement with "I sayang you." And I would be like, "I'm super-freaking puzzled now, stop playing." And he would keep saying that.

Okay, I admit that I panicked, like, A LOT. Because I'm not so sure with my feelings towards him, yes I like spending my time with him, I like talking to him, I like seeing his smile, I like all of that, but I'm not so sure whether I'm ready to jump into a relationship with him, I was not sure whether I just like him as a friend, or I like him as my partner.

So I keep thinking about everything, I rethink all of it. I contemplated so much, and truth be told, I still have doubts and I feel so unsure about this. A lot of things shows that he is serious about me, but I don't know, that unsure feeling still lingers.

Anyways, I finally said yes to him. And I'm allowing him to prove himself. I'm giving him chances to make this work. Aku? Seorang Nurhani akan sentiasa cuba untuk bagi yang terbaik, aku akan sentiasa berusaha setakat semampu aku; selagi aku mampu, selagi tu aku cuba. This is only the start, but I really hope we can make it till the end. Whatever it is, I am trying, my best, my hardest.

ps: about the "baby" thing, hahaha. He called me "sayang" once and I said; "Did you just call me sayang? Never do that, such a turn off. Call me baby, 'cause that's who I am, your baby." I was just joking, and obviously a failed attempt at flirting. wadehek hani.